Are You The “I Don’t Feel Like It” Type of Person? How Could Leading With Actions Rather Than Feelings Impact Your Life?

“In my previous marriage—the one that didn’t work out—I left everything to chance. I left everything to how I was feeling. I always thought relationships were about feelings, so I waited until I felt like doing something nice for my wife. I waited until I felt like telling her I appreciated her. The only problem was that when I felt like it, she often wasn’t there, and when she was there, I often didn’t feel like it.”

The above is an excerpt from the book 50 Ways to Create Great Relationships by Steve Chandler—who happens to be one of my favorite coaches—in which a close friend of his relays the travails of his previously failed marriage. He recounts this while reflecting on the fact that he now finds himself in a loving, caring and happy marriage. Which begs the question: What changed? How was Steve Chandler’s friend able to maintain a happy marriage this time around?

The key change he implemented was that he no longer allowed his actions to be dictated by his feelings. As a matter of fact, he now included his new wife’s name on his daily to-do list as a reminder that he needed to perform at least one kind gesture for each day, irrespective of whether he “felt like it” or not.

I found it an enormously powerful concept and I wanted to share it with you. Rather than waiting for the perfect moment to express appreciation or kindness to your loved ones, or waiting for that fleeting sense of inspiration to dive into your creative project, or waiting to feel full of energy before venturing out in the rain to the gym, you do the opposite. 

Actions must lead, not feelings. And, as strange as it may sound, actions can create the very feeling you’re looking for. Engaging in an act of gratitude to your loved ones will make you love them more; even if writing that first page is like pulling teeth, soon you will find yourself in that state of “flow” you so desperately sought; after a ten minutes warm-up on the treadmill, with sweat pouring and heart racing, you’re now eager to start lifting some serious weight.

Thus, it’s about establishing habits, routines and commitments that move you forward, regardless of whether you currently “feel like it.” Whether you “feel like it”—or not—is, in fact, completely irrelevant.

So let's not leave your life to chance or the whims of fleeting emotions. Instead, take deliberate steps towards the future you desire, ensuring that when opportunities arise, you’re not waiting to feel ready—you’re already there, making the most of every moment.

Curious to see how you can set up the structure that create the actions—and, yes, feelings—you want?

Let’s begin a conversation.